Draco Malfoy Gets a Dayjob
by Really Bad Eggs
Summary: Draco Malfoy has a problem... and Harry, Ron, and Neville aren't helping matters any. A round-robin fic written with Junkyard Angel and Nevilleschick. Full of terrible puns, bad formatting, and weird humor.


Malfoy's a pimp, Harry and Ron are (unwillingly and ignorantly) his hoes, and Neville is their costumer! What's going on?!  
  
YOOOOOOO! I AM THE PIMPINEST PIMP IN DA GHETTO OF HOGWARTS! yelled Draco.  
Psst, Ron! What's a pimp? whispered Harry to Ron.  
Well, gee I dunno Harry, must be a type of dragon!  
They turned around to see Professor McGonagall in the corridor. She stared at them, not amused.  
This is a prime example of what happens to students when they have too much butterbeer, she said disapprovingly. Draco, seeing that it was Harry and Ron getting punished, and not him, decided that now would be a good time to make a grand escape and go in search of the true meaning of pimphood. He turned and ran, and Harry and Ron, seeing him leaving, followed quickly, despite McGonagall's protests.  
Where's the pimp! I wanna fight it too! whined Ron.  
Yeah, no taking all the credit for yourself!  
Fight da pimp? What cho biatches be talkin' bout, fool? I be searchin' fo' da true meaning of pimphood in da Draco eyed Ron and Harry. Yo dudes wanna be mah hoes?  
Hoes? I don't think I can garden that well, Harry said, confused.  
Shut up, respect yo pimp. Jus' gotta get us some custo'mers. Ron stood around, looking confused but happy at the thought of being a hoe'. He'd always wanted to learn more about Muggle equipment, despite his acts that he wasn't interested.  
Oo, oo, oo... Costomers! shouted Harry, jumping about excitedly, What are we selling?!   
Damn, yo must be da wackest hoes in da universe! You be sellin' yourselves!  
Like to the devil? Harry gave Ron a confused look.  
Well, ya could sorta say that. OOoh, a customer! Hey Hermione, you wanna spend some quality time with these fiiiiiiiiiine boys?  
They're my best friends, I spend quality time' with them whenever I want, thank you very much!  
Huh? You guys having a party or something? Neville piped up, watching the gang.  
You're into dis shiat too? Well, Harry here has a fine booty, I'll tell you that right off. Draco spouted his salespitch flawlessly.  
Neville bent down and looked at Harry's foot.  
I really don't see a bootie, Neville stammered.  
Gimme dah dough, and you'll see one a' right. Harry, Neville, and Ron stared in incomprehension.  
Okay, it's like dis fools.... mah othah hoes, da Crabbe and da Goyle, started gettin' pimped out by McGonagall instead, so I gave up on dem. Now I need some new hoes, see? Ron nodded slowly, with a big smile on his face.  
Oh, NOW I get it! he shouted happily, You used them for digging a garden! What fun!  
"You can call it diggin', mah homie, but it sho' ain't a garden!" replied Draco.  
"Oh, so you're digging for treasure or something? I wanna help!" Neville said innocently.  
"You be one messed up mofo into all that role-playing. Ten galleons fo' Ron, twenty fo' Harry," Draco explained.   
"So, if I pay them they'll dig for treasure for me?" Neville said hesitantly.  
"What you do wid dem hoes iz ur business, i don't wanna hear nuttin bout it."  
"So... hoes do other things as well? It seems awfully expensive, and sort of like slave labor, to me, though. Are you sure it's legal?" Neville was obviously still confused, and shook his head nervously.  
"Yo must be da stupidest hoes in da entire world. And you, Neville... gimme da dough!" Draco was getting annoyed. Neville stared.  
"I don't even LIKE bread!" he whined, "It gets all moldy all the time!"  
"Shut up and cough it up, biatch!" yelled Draco, "Or say goodbye to these fiiiinnnee asses!"  
"HOW CAN I COUGH IT UP IF I'M NOT SICK! And there's not any donkeys around here!" whined Neville.  
Draco just rolled his eyes and pushed Harry and Ron toward them.   
"Fine. I be cuttin' you a deal cuz u son stupid. Two for one, a'ight? Just pay me when u' done."  
"Umm, okay, I guess the treasure will pay for itself." Neville cautiously handed Draco the money.   
They didn't notice that McGonagall was once again watching the transaction.  
"Boys! How DARE you do this sort of business in Hogwarts!" she yelled. Draco looked unruffled.   
"Hey, yo, I'll give you all three of dem biatches for only 5 galleons!" he bargained.  
At first, McGonagall looked furious, but then, as she appraised them, she began to think better of it. As she was thinking, Neville was talking.  
"Hold it.. I thought that Ron and Harry were the hoes... Oh, by the way, you guys, I'm having a big party on Friday in the Gryffindor common room, if you want to come." Ron and Harry agreed, while Draco's face lit up.   
"Ooo.. A par-tay! I can do lots o' bus'ness dere!" Just then, McGonagall piped up.  
"I'll take the deal, Draco. But I get them for the whole night," she said.  
Harry and Ron exchanged a look as McGonagall paid Draco.  
"Follow yo' customah, biatches," admonished Draco. Harry and Ron followed McGonagall, throughly confused.  
I expect you to perform up to the high quality standards of Hogwarts, and maybe you can get an 'A' in my class as well! But if not, well, let's just say you can kiss your chances of winning the house cup goodbye!"  
"But what are we supposed to do?" whined Harry, "Gardening or treasure hunting?"  
"Hoo-hoo ho!" she chuckled. "None of that. You two are going to be cows, and I will be the drunken farmer. Now, come to my office and we'll get undressed." Draco studied her thoughtfully. Perhaps she wanted concrete evidence from the boys and it was all a show. Or maybe she was just a horny old maid. He didn't care. Either way, he got mulah. He whistled and wandered to his common room to find his next victims of innocence.  
As Draco stumbled along the corridor of Hogwarts, he wondered vaguely where Hermione had gone. He seemed to remember her having been there, but she had just disappeared... Hmm...  
He shrigged it off and continued, humming to humself, searching for his next victims.


End file.
